Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
