hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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