why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
