Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
