i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
