Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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