Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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