Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I AM VODKA MAN
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
