i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
