Well douche your snatch and let's go!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
