someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize