you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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