Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
