i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
