in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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