i will never coherently bang her
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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