I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
