Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
