Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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