I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
And then he peed in my hair
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