DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
