1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
