Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
