You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize