dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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