I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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