Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
