They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
