Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
