so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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