I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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