I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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