that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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