I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
