Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I accidentally had phone sex last night
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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