oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
