the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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