there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
