we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Randomize
