After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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