either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
