highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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