I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize