And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize