Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
