woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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