I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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