haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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