: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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