I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I wear drunk well.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
