It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
you never un-have a 4some
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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