I wish my penis had an off switch
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
