wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
