I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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