i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
