and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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