When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
