Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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