I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize