WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
