Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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