you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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