i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
