I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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