while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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