Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
